Finding things to be happy about right now is easier to do some days than others. I keep thinking, when Josh is done with school.... I can quit working, we'll have a baby, we'll have more money, more time to be together, less stress and on and on. But in truth, that "ideal" setting will never come, because perfection is not part of life. Being satisfied with the imperfect is life. Sometimes I wonder who I am. Whats me?? There are things I like to do, but what is ME? Who am I? What do I want to be? that one is easy, a mother. That's all I've ever wanted to be, since I was a little girl. And I love it! I look forward to having more babies, but sometimes I need a break from that, to just be me. I like to make people laugh. I like the freedom I feel when I'm riding a horse. I love getting swept away in the story of a well written book. I love family. I like being silly and strong and independent. I don't like to cook but I like to eat and I know how to make syrup DAMMIT! I'm afraid of losing the people I care about, even though I know it is inevitable. I love feeling alive and breathing the mountain air. Sometime I feel like a machine, I am the dishwasher, the cleaner, the cooker the caregiver. I need to BE loved as much as I love. well, I'd better get back to work. none of this makes sense anyway.