Jan 19, 2011

right now

Finding things to be happy about right now is easier to do some days than others. I keep thinking, when Josh is done with school.... I can quit working, we'll have a baby, we'll have more money, more time to be together, less stress and on and on. But in truth, that "ideal" setting will never come, because perfection is not part of life. Being satisfied with the imperfect is life. Sometimes I wonder who I am. Whats me?? There are things I like to do, but what is ME? Who am I? What do I want to be? that one is easy, a mother. That's all I've ever wanted to be, since I was a little girl. And I love it! I look forward to having more babies, but sometimes I need a break from that, to just be me. I like to make people laugh. I like the freedom I feel when I'm riding a horse. I love getting swept away in the story of a well written book. I love family. I like being silly and strong and independent. I don't like to cook but I like to eat and I know how to make syrup DAMMIT! I'm afraid of losing the people I care about, even though I know it is inevitable. I love feeling alive and breathing the mountain air. Sometime I feel like a machine, I am the dishwasher, the cleaner, the cooker the caregiver. I need to BE loved as much as I love. well, I'd better get back to work. none of this makes sense anyway.

7 comments:

Stefanie D. said...

I love you! *hug* :) I know how you feel. Sometimes it feels like you give, give, give, and it would be nice to be on the recieving end every now and again.

Brooke Bennett said...

I so know how you feel.

Alison said...

I have been feeling like this a lot lately. I think it is something that all women, especially mothers, have in common. I'm proud of you for acknowledging that you have to make the best of the hand you are dealt NOW. I think that is the hardest part.

Becky said...

I have been thinking the same thing lately. I will be happier when. . . But I won't be any happier "then" if I don't learn to be happy now and love myself now. Must be winter. Not enough to do outside and too much time to think.

Kristen and Alex said...

I love that you just vented on your blog. I have wanted to do that so many times and have refrained, and holding it in is worse, I think. Good for you for letting it out. You are an amazing Mom, wife, daughter, and girlfriend. I am SO grateful to have you as my friend. I actually consider you to be one of my closest friends. I really feel like we hit it off from the get-go and I am so grateful to have your friendship and I am grateful that we live so close too! Thank you for your inspirational words!

Anna K. said...

I found your blog! And I agree with everything you said. I think those same things all the time. I don't want to lose myself! I think the hardest challenge for me right now is to live in the moment instead of hoping for more later. Well from my perspective, it looks like you are doing a good job of appreciating your life and being yourself! :)

Smiler said...

I realized the last time I was at mom's that I DON'T know how to make syrup. You are hilarious! I love and miss you and I'm glad you realizing what 'you' are. I'm still searching.